Forgive You? Why?
by Nuttyginger
Summary: Cordelia is finding it hard to forgive Angel for turning his back on her. Cordelia and Angel have a heart to heart when the real reason that Cordelia can't forgive Angel.


Set After Epiphany.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any Charaters from 'Angel: the TV Series' sadly cos i could do with the money for uni. Instead men with wierd imaginations, Joss and David, own them and the rich MD's @ WB, Fox and Mutant (Grr, Arr) Enemy. Oh yeah and i don't hold any copywrite laws to the mentioned Lyrics.  
  
Summary: Cordelia is finding it hard to forgive Angel for turning his back on her. Cordelia and Angel have a heart to heart when the real reason that Cordelia can't forgive Angel.  
  
Lyrics:  
1.Dammit I Changed Again - Offspring  
2&3. Falling - Offspring  
4&6. All I Really Want - Alanis Morissette  
5. Crash And Burn - Savage Garden  
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Forgive You? Why?  
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He sat there in the corner, watching her. She was typing away on the computer, the clicking of the keys keeping him in this reality. Cordelia slowly looked up.  
  
"What are you staring at?" Angels face remained passive "Well? You've been staring at me for the last hour and it is really annoying me, much."  
  
He quickly looked away and tried to concentrate on something else but he couldn't. "I thought, since the sun has set and…um…would you like me to…go out and get some coffee for the long night ahead?" He asked in a distant voice, not quite bringing himself to ask her the real question.  
  
Cordelia couldn't take anymore. She had put up with his silence and brooding. She had symapthised when he first came back because he had rescued her from the floor during a vision. But she couldn't take it anymore. He expected to come back into THEIR business and everything would be the same. It wasn't.  
  
"Angel sucking up to me isn't going to work unless you come up with a large amount of cash to bribe me. Trust me you don't have that kind of money. Just because you've had some sort of empathy doesn't mean that you can come in here and expect to be bossum buddies again. Don't hold your breath." She looked at him with an amused expression.  
  
"I had an Epiphany not an Empathy Cordelia."   
  
This just made her even more mad than she was. "What ever."  
  
Wesley walked in to find Cordelia sitting at her desk with her bitchy scowl across her face and Angel standing awkardly in the middle of the room, his hand around the back of his neck, like he did when he didn't know what to say or he felt out of place. Wesley cleared his throat loudly.  
  
"Sorry I didn't mean to interuppt anything." Wesley said louder than he intentted.  
  
"It's OK I was just telling Angel how no matter how much he tries to make up for his going all grr and evil, it won't take back what he did."  
  
"Wesley, me and Cordleia are going to my room. I think we need to talk."  
  
Cordelia flung her arms dramatically in the air and followed Angels sulking figure up the stair case to his room.  
  
  
Hey this time I've turned around  
Things have changed  
Now I don't feel the same   
I start a fight  
I can't defend  
One more time  
Dammit I changed again  
  
  
  
Cordelia walked into the room as Angel closed the door behind her. He motioned for her to sit on his immacutaly made king-sized bed.  
  
"Cordelia where has this come from?"  
  
Cordelia assumed her denfesive tone and forgot all about her newly found tact. "You disappear for a month and run off with her." Cordelia couldn't even bring herself to say her name anymore. "Then you come sculking back here, with your tail between your legs and expect us to throw you a Welcome Home party. Well i'm sorry Angel but you walked out on us, so don't be so shocked if we decide to turn our backs on you." Cordelia shouted at the passive Vampire.  
  
His features changed into a hurt, moarnful look. "Cordelia, i didn't expect a party or even a get together but i did think that you of all people would want me back. I mean you do get the visions for me."  
  
"No Angel, Doyle gave me the visions 'cos he had nothing else to give me. HE had the visions for you. I still get the visions without you and we save people without you." Cordelia crumpled back onto the bed, the fight suddenly leaving her body. "You turned your back on me!" She whispered.  
  
"I didn't want Darla to hurt you like she tried to do to Buffy. While Darla was around you, Wesley and Gunn were all at risk from her."  
  
"Angel don't try and tell me this was all from our own good. This is about obbession, your obbession about Darla, who, unlike us, turned her back on you when you were souled."  
  
"Try and understand that she was the first person i thought i loved and she is my sire. She had a soul and she was back, i wanted to save her like the people i save every night. I couldn't even do that for her."  
  
"Angel she didn't want to be saved, she became a Vampire for a reason. It isn't you, Angel, she wants, she wants Angelus. God are you a dumb ass?"  
  
Have you ever  
Buried your face in your hands  
'Cause no one around you understands  
Or has the slightest idea  
What it is that makes you be?  
  
"It wasn't Angelus she slept with, it was me as i am. She wanted me, ANGEL."  
  
He felt a slap across his face from Cordelias hand. "You slept with her? How could you? You are meant to have undying devotion to Buffy not to some whore that flashes her unnaturally white teeth and likes dream walking."  
  
Cordelia turned her back on him and he went to catch her arm. She felt his cold touch on her arm and strugged it off violently.   
  
"Don't even touch me. Touching is not good right now. When i needed you the most you weren't there. I relied and you and you let me down."  
  
"Yeah well maybe for once i didn't want to be the one that came and saved the day. Maybe i just wanted it to be about me for once. I mean it is always about other people, Buffy, Faith, Doyle. This time it was about what i wanted."  
  
He felt another hard slap across his face and looked up to find Cordelia now facing him again, a furious look on her face.  
  
"DON'T YOU DARE bring Doyle into this. He was everything you aren't. He gave a damn about your second chance, he gave up his life for you. It is always about you. Your redemption, your business, your brooding sessions over Buffy, we all fight for YOU."  
  
"Cordelia i don't get you sometimes, in fact i never get you. Wesley has already forgiven me and Gunn has, in his own way. You are the only one that doesn't seem to understand."  
  
"Yeah well Wesley and Gunn don't know you how i know you. They weren't there when you did the deed with Buffy and turned into Angelus. He doesn't know what grief we went through when you killed Miss Callender, when Giles had to bury his girlfriend. He wasn't there whan you came back from Hell as an animal. They didn't know Doyle and what we went through when he died, the pain, the loss. They will never understand that. They see a Vampire that is fighting evil every day. I see my best friend who fights himself and his memories every moment when he isn't brooding. We share Doyle, they don't. I know what you can be and then to see you do this to yourself, i can't forgive you that. I thought i knew you."  
  
Have you ever been out some place  
Recongising everybodies faces  
Until you realise that  
There was no one there you knew?  
  
"Cordelia, all i ask is that you give me one chance to make it up to you. I'll do what ever it takes, i just can't lose you as well. Please" He muttered to a retreating back.  
  
Cordelia turned slightly but not looking at the hurt Vampire. A tear rolled down her cheek as she realised that she had to tell him, not to lead him on.  
  
"Your gonna lose me no matter what you do. I'm not the immortal one here, no matter how much i wish i was. There's nothing to do to save me Angel."  
  
Angel sniffed the air. He could smell her vanilla and strawberry essence, but there was a hint of salt. He could smell her tears.  
  
"Yeah i know, i've accepted that but you are going to be around for a long while yet." The salty smell increased as even more tears rolled down Cordeilas cheeks.  
  
"No i'm not. That is why i needed you. Angel i'm...i'm ill and i'm not talking about your common cold here, i'm serious. I'm a human, i wasn't designed to have visions in my head and now i'm paying the price. The doctors, they told me two weeks ago. All the demon pregnancies, people trying to gorge my eyes out and demons giving me extra eyes hasn't helped either. Angel, I have epilepsy. They think it was cause by the aneurysm i have."  
  
There i go jumping before the gunshot has gone off  
Slap me with a splintered ruler  
And it would knock me to the floor if i wasn't there already  
If only i could hunt the hunter  
  
"What?" He paced around the room, a confused and hurt look on his face. He didn't take his eyes off her as she rung her hads over and over again. "I don't understand what you mean, epilepsy, aneurysms." He features screwed up in even more confusion.  
  
"I had been taken the visions worse and Wesley was worried about me so he forced me to go to the doctors. I had to tell them about the visions but i just said they were seziures. Well i think if i told them i recieve visions from a higher power, that i've never met, to help a souled Vampire on his quest they would've packed me off to the nearest shrink house! They sent me to the hospital and they ran all these tests. They took a brain scan an found a little bulge in one of the veins in my head. They said it wouldn't suddenly start showing on the side of my head so i can still date. When i was in this scanner thing i had a vision and the doctors caught it on the scan. They said that the fits were caused by the aneurysm. They also thought i was uts when i doubled up in laughter because they said they knew what was causing the 'fits'. Basically i have this little vein in my head that is growing and they can't do anytrhing about it until i goes POP, but then i would be dead by then."  
  
Angel stopped pacing and stared at the brave woman before him. Her shortend raven hair framed her perfect face. Her brown eyes held his gaze with eaual intensity both uttering teh same words. Sorry.  
  
"Cordelia if i had know...."  
  
"What? You wouldn't have let all those lawyers die, you wouldn't have slept with Darla, you wouldn't have left? You could have spun the world aound backwards like Superman if you wanted but you couldn't have taken back what is happening to me. The world goes on with or without our interfernce."  
  
"Well we have to get the visions out of your head, then get you to the best doctors and they will operate on the aneurysm and you'll be fine. Them we can..."  
  
"STOP!" Cordelia shouted. "What part of this aren't you getting? I am not going to get any better. This thing cannot be operated on. The vein might pop tomorrow or in ten years, the dumb doctors don't know. As for the visions, i won't let you." She pouted.  
  
"Stop being so damn stupid about this Cordelia. Taking the visions out might stop the aneurysm growing. You have to Cordelia." He took her firm by the shoulders.  
  
"What do you think they have been trying to do the last year and a half? Give me nice little in-house movies? I don't think. They keep trying to take them but i won't let them go. They're Doyles, they're mine, they're my purpose here. They are the only thing that will help you become all beating heart and blood pumping."  
  
"My God Cordelia, you've thought about this haven't you. Well don't want to go against you, you've got a mean left hook." He took his hands from her sholders and pulled her into him. Just to feel her still beating heart.  
  
When you feel all alone  
And a loyal friend is hard to find  
You're caught in a one-way street  
With monsters in your head  
When hopes and dreams are far away  
And you feel like you can't face the day  
Let me be the one you call  
If you jump i'll break your fall  
  
"Have you told Wesley and Gunn yet?" Angel whispered in her ear.  
  
"No, i couldn't. Wesley is the happiest i've ever seen him, he likes the idea of being useful again and that he is actually in control again. If i tell him, he will blame himself like you have. As for Gunn, there is nothing between us. One date and nada." She felt Angel smile slightly. "And he has already lost one sister, i don't think he can face losing someone else close to him."  
  
Angel marvelled at the wisdom that came for her. When he had a first meet her he didn't like her. She was bitchy, spoilt and just another part of the Scoobies. Now she was the amazing, subtle, assitant, no, best friend. He had watched he closely since Doyle. He was right, she did humanise him. But she waqs only 20, too young to die.   
  
  
Angel sat on the cold wall on top of the hotel, looking out over his city. The lights twinkled in the distance, the red and whites of the cars heading to unknow distinations. He had lost and won back the most persious thing in his un-life all in one day. But now he had to face losing her over again. Everyone he loves and cares about had to die, not because he was immortal, but because he was cursed.  
  
And all i really want some patience  
A way to calm the angry voice  
And all i really want is deliverance  
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